Relational Life Skills Cheat Sheet

1. Perspective Shift & Self-Responsibility

  • From Me to Us: Focus on collaboration and mutual needs.
  • Relational Awareness: Understand that relationships require minute-to-minute attention.
  • Use “I” statements: Avoid “You make me feel…”; say “I made myself feel [angry, frustrated]…” or “The story I’m telling myself is…”

Skill: “I statements” and responsibility taking

Example: “I feel overwhelmed when you leave your things around. The story I’m telling myself is that my needs aren’t considered.”

2. Engage/Nurture Your Adaptive Child

  • Recognize triggers and responses (Fight, Flight, Fix).
  • Use breathing (deep short inhale; long exhale) and timeouts to manage impulses.
  • Remember your love for your partner during conflicts; resist the urge to self-protect/defend

Skill: Recognize triggers (observe), breathe, take a break

Example: “I noticed I’m feeling defensive right now. I need a moment to breathe and process.”

At Self Leadership Mastery, we specialize in helping people overcome the challenges that hold them back, guiding them toward meaningful growth in every area of their lives. With decades of experience in mentoring, coaching, and teaching, we’ve developed a unique approach that combines practical tools, compassionate guidance, and a commitment to lasting transformation.

3. Full Respect Living & Maintaining Connection

  • Before speaking, consider if your words respect others; if not, don’t say it.
  • Disengage from disrespectful behavior, both towards others and yourself.
  • Focus on your own actions instead of your partner’s; avoid mutual triggering.
  • Take turns being the calm adult when one partner is in their Adaptive Child state, trying to engage reasonably 2-3 times; if unsuccessful, let go.
  • Commit to staying in your Wise Adult self, regardless of your partner's state.

Skill: Take turns being the calm adult.

Example: “I see you’re upset. Let’s both take a deep breath and try to talk calmly about this.”

4. Emotional Awareness

  • Recognize feelings of loneliness and disappointment instead of abandonment (children get abandoned, adults get left)
  • Shift focus from your partner’s failures to your own growth and contributions.

Skill: Shift focus from disappointment to growth.

Example: “I felt lonely when we didn’t connect this week (responsibility taking for your feeling experience). I want to focus on how we can create more quality time together (the request).”

At Self Leadership Mastery, we specialize in helping people overcome the challenges that hold them back, guiding them toward meaningful growth in every area of their lives. With decades of experience in mentoring, coaching, and teaching, we’ve developed a unique approach that combines practical tools, compassionate guidance, and a commitment to lasting transformation.

5. Understanding Your Adaptive Child (AC) and using Grounding/Communication Techniques

  • Types of Adaptive Child Responses:
    • Fighters: Defend and assert; often prioritize being right.
    • Flee-ers: Withdraw and avoid; may feel overwhelmed.
    • Fixers: Attempt to control or manage situations - usually pursue.
  • Grounding/Communication Techniques
    • Ask Questions: Use “What do you need?” to open a dialogue.
    • Take Breaks: If tensions rise, pause and revisit the conversation. Utilize "time-outs" to regain composure; this is unilateral and doesn't require partner consent.  Suggested durations: 20 min, 1 hour, ½ day, or longer. Moratorium on speaking about the activating event. 
      • Announce Intentions: Clearly communicate why you need a break and when you'll return.

Skill: Take breaks as needed.

Example: “I need a  break to gather my thoughts. Let’s pause for 20 minutes (or another amount of time) and come back to this.”

    • Recognizing Dysfunctional Strategies of Adaptive Child:
      • Being Right: Shift focus from who is right to how to resolve issues.
      • Controlling Behavior: Accept that you can only control your own actions.
      • Unbridled Expression: Venting should occur in a neutral setting, avoiding past grievances.
      • Retaliation: Resist the urge to hurt others in response to feeling hurt.
      • Withdrawal: Understand that withdrawing does not lead to positive outcomes; strive for open communication.

    Skill: Avoid the need to be right.

    Example: “Instead of arguing about who’s right, let’s focus on finding a solution that works for both of us.”

    6. Functional Communication Moves

      • Phased Approach
        • Rock the Boat: Communicate unhappiness and the need for change.
        • Help Them Win: Clearly express your needs and how they can support you.
          • Make specific apologies and address concrete actions.
          • Focus on being particular (actions/moments that upset you), not trends (“You always/never”), not character (“You’re an ass/slob"); avoid sweeping generalizations.
          • Choose Your Battles: Assess the cost of winning vs. losing.
          • Respectful Engagement: Commit to a contempt-free approach; stand against harshness.Make it Worthwhile: Encourage efforts and celebrate progress to build momentum.

      Skill: Express desires clearly & engage in repair (rock the boat)
      Example.“This is what I would like from you – I need us to work on setting aside quality time. What would you like from me?”

      Skill: Make specific apologies. 
      Example: “I’m sorry I forgot to call when I said I would. I’ll set a reminder next time to ensure it doesn’t happen again.”

      Skill: Balance empowerment with connection & stand up for yourself with love. 
      Example: “I don’t appreciate your tone; I would hear it better if we can discuss it more gently.”

    7. Self-Reflection & Empowering Each Other

      • Focus on your actions and improvements you’re attempting to make
      • Accept disappointment without blame.
      • Support your partner’s growth by making empowering moves.
      • Celebrate progress to foster positive behaviors.

      Skill: Focus on personal actions.
      Example: “I realized I can be dismissive when I’m stressed. I’m working on being more present when we talk.”

      Skill: Support your partner’s growth.
      Example: “I believe in your ability to handle this. How can I help you feel supported? I’ve been noticing how hard you’ve been trying and I really appreciate it.”

      Healthy Relationships are Cyclical

      Relationships involve cycles of finding each other, losing each other, and rediscovering each other. Your partner is not responsible for your healing but can be a catalyst for growth. Cherish the moments of connection and appreciate the journey together.

      Example: “I value our relationship and want us to keep growing together. Let’s check in regularly about how we’re feeling.”

      Relational Reckoning: Sometimes the struggle is too much.

      • Evaluate the relationship: “Am I getting enough to make the pain worth it?”
      • The Alternative is Acceptance: Embrace limitations and celebrate what you receive instead of looking for what you’re not getting

    At Self Leadership Mastery, we specialize in helping people overcome the challenges that hold them back, guiding them toward meaningful growth in every area of their lives. With decades of experience in mentoring, coaching, and teaching, we’ve developed a unique approach that combines practical tools, compassionate guidance, and a commitment to lasting transformation.

    At Self Leadership Mastery, we specialize in helping people overcome the challenges that hold them back, guiding them toward meaningful growth in every area of their lives. With decades of experience in mentoring, coaching, and teaching, we’ve developed a unique approach that combines practical tools, compassionate guidance, and a commitment to lasting transformation.

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